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Star Wars Timeline: Explaining The Last Jedi to Force-Deprived Family Members

Here’s a Star Wars movie plot timeline for those who are forced to see Episode VIII: The Last Jedi with Family Members who need a refresher course. There are no Last Jedi spoilers below.

Episode plots organized by Star Wars galaxy timeline…

  • I – The Phantom Menace: Anakin Skywalker is an annoying kid overcome by CGI.
  • II – Attack of the Clones: Anakin Skywalker is an annoying teenager overcome by CGI.
  • III – Revenge of the Sith: Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader when badly burned by CGI.
  • Galactic Intermission Part I: About 20 years pass by in the Star Wars Universe.
  • Rogue One – A Star Wars Story: Standalone movie. Subtitle: Enriching Disney Shareholders.
  • IV – A New Hope: Anakin’s secret son (Luke) develops a crush on Anakin’s secret daughter (Leia). Actually, that’s sort of a spoiler if you haven’t seen Episode VI yet.
  • V – Empire Strikes Back: Han Solo kisses Anakin’s daughter (twice I think).
  • VI – Return of the Jedi: Anakin’s son (Luke) stops pursuing Anakin’s daughter (Leia) and transforms Darth Vader back into Anakin.
  • VII – The Force Awakens: JJ Abrams plagiarizes Episodes IV through VI.
  • VIII – The Last Jedi: Anakin’s son (Luke) and his identity crisis explained.

See you at the movies starting Thursday night.

Bonus Viewing: The Star Wars Holiday Special

For those who don’t have tickets yet you can sit back and watch The Star Wars Holiday Special right here. Proof that Jar Jar Binks wasn’t quite the worst thing to surface in the Star Wars universe:

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3 Comments

Comments

    Dave Sobel:

    See, it’s all about order. If you watch in order, there is nothing to spoil in Episode V, so your Episode IV note is irrelevant.

    There’s also an argument that Rogue One isn’t actually standalone, since it makes a lot less sense if you haven’t seen any of the others.

    I also think you miss Galactic Intermission Part II, tucked right in there between VI and VII. You could hand wave that with “video games go here.”

    Joe Panettieri:

    Hey Dave: Thank you for not mentioning The Ewok Adventure (aka: Caravan of Courage, 1984) and Ewoks: The Battle for Endor (1985).
    -jp

      Dave Sobel:

      Those movies are never discussed.

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